THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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