I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
