my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
