i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
