Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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