A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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