allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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