I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
