It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
