stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
