The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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