Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
