My friends, they love my intelligence
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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