Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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