i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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