I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
