capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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