Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
