She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
