I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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