and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
