I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
