I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
