Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
this beer tastes like vomit already
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
