Can i not drive my cunt home
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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