A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
