were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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