if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
