Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
