Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
