She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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