Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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