I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
