He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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