There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
