just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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