What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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