(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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