phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
