I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
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The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
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Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?