I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.