i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.