you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
