She tied me up with her honor cords...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
