I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
