I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.