either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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