Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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