Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
