Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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