happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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