Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
