1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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