I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think your dad took our porno
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
