I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
