brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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