I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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